Communication is essential for a solid marriage, a healthy family, a successful soccer team and a profitable multi-national corporation.  It is the mechanism that creates the necessary synergy to accomplish a goal.  

In fact, no organization or relationship survives without proper communication.    

There are over 23,000 books listed on Amazon on the topic of communication, so communication problems are not a secret.  I will focus on one that hits close to home.

My wife tells me quite often, “It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.”  Sometimes, it is what I say that creates the problem but this article will deal with the “how.”  

The concept of “it’s how you say it” applies to all communication.  I will use a husband and wife as an example, but the principles apply equally to communicating with teenage children, with your kids’ teacher or with your boss at work.

Assuming that you know what you’re talking about and have the ability to express yourself adequately, communication will improve when you consider:

1.  Does the tone of my voice indicate what I am trying to communicate?

No matter what I am thinking or feeling, if the tone of my voice is not appropriate to my wife, my ability to communicate with her is drastically diminished.  It helps me to take time to decompress from work or an intense situation before interacting with her so that my emotion doesn’t spill over to our conversation.

2.  Is the volume of my voice appropriate?

The volume of one’s voice is sometimes hard to gauge.  Using the reaction of another can be a good indicator of your volume, but that could be too late.  Consciously try to soften your voice, unless you are warning of danger. 

3.  Does my body language show that I am interested to communicating?

The best way to engage another in a conversation is to begin with a smile.  When we were dating, I would never have thought that scowling would be the best way to impress my future wife.  The same applies to the message you send if you talk to another with crossed arms and a haughty look.

4.  Do I maintain eye contact when speaking?

If the eyes are the windows of the soul, avoiding eye contact will give the impression that you are hiding something or that you simply are not interested.  You might have something important to say but if you do not maintain eye contact, your message could be lost.

5.  Do I avoid sarcasm?

Sarcasm is the language of arrogance and/or ignorance.  It can be used for humor sometimes, but you have to use caution.  Sarcasm usually ends sincere communication.

6.  Is my silence appropriate?

Silence can be a useful communication tool.  When I am pondering what has been said, it shows respect for the other person and their opinion.  However, I know bosses that use silence to intimidate employees.  In a marriage, the silent treatment never leads to resolution of a problem.

7.  Am I responding to the concerns of the other person?

If I speak eloquently about a problem with my wife, but it is not the problem that she sees, I have failed. Being responsive to the other person is infinitely more important than eloquence. 

8.  Will my relationship with the other person help or hinder the communication?

You can’t fake “sincere” with people who know you.  Often, you can’t fake it with anyone else.  But, if we have the proper relationship with others, we can effectively communicate, even if we don’t express ourselves well.

The “how” is just as important as the “what” when communicating.  Here is a simple example.  We have all been complimented.  We all know that the same words spoken by different people have very different meanings.  Someone can say, “I love you” and it melts our heart.  Others can say the same words and we know it is just hollow nonsense spoken only because it sounds nice. 

As George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  The best way to overcome that illusion of communication with our spouse, child, neighbor or boss is to consider carefully not only what we want to say but how we say it and how we can increase the trust in our relationships.  As a result, our relationships will not only survive, they will thrive.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year to be a child.  There are bright decorations, lots of goodies to eat and the anticipation of gifts under the Christmas tree.  Christmas is also a time when families come together to make magical memories.  With all of these wonderful and attractive distractions, even as adults it is sometimes easy to forget the central reason that we celebrate Christmas – Our Savior and King – Jesus Christ.

Christmas is sometimes a time of loneliness and pain for those who have lost loved ones or whose loved ones are far away.  There are also those who are estranged from their families.  They see happiness and celebration all around them but they feel isolated and depressed because they do not have the joy of others.  As followers of Jesus Christ, we should be sensitive to those who need our support at this time of year.

Preoccupation with trivialities often becomes The Grinch that Stole Christmas and we can become more childish than childlike.  Parents are often burdened with concerns over the cost and likelihood of meeting everyone’s expectations.  As December 25^th draws closer and closer, time constraints can become the source of stress that makes us forget the purpose of the celebration.  We then become victims of, and not joyful beneficiaries of; shopping for gifts for loved ones, decorations, elaborate meals, office parties, school programs, concerts, family traditions, etc. 

Easier said than done – but we can choose to simplify, enjoy the festivities, spend time with loved ones and focus on the Savior.  Jesus Christ is the foundation of true happiness and “the gift” of Christmas.  Only the gospel of Jesus Christ can help people find, “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is central to individual peace on this earth and eternal happiness. 

One of the most popular images of Christmas since the Renaissance is that of Jesus being held by his mother, Mary.  It is a tender reminder of the love of a mother for her precious child, even though he was also the Christ, the anointed one, the Messiah.

Another memorable image of Mary and Jesus Christ is that of the Pieta, by Michelangelo.  In this remarkable sculpture we see Mary again holding her son but, this time, she is holding the lifeless body of he who had just sacrificed himself for all mankind.  He paid the price of our cumulative sins and surrendered his mortal life.  The sculpture captures both the human and the divine aspects of Christ’s life.

The image that is the most important for us mortals to have affixed in our minds is not Christ on the cross; it is the resurrected, glorified and deified Redeemer.  It is an image of power and strength, brighter than the noon-day sun: The omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and all-loving God of us all.

This Christmas, let us focus on enjoying life and our family traditions.  Most of all, let us remember the three images of Jesus Christ.  All are essential but the reality of the resurrected Savior is the most important.  He reigns in heaven and He is focused on each and every individual on earth.  He loves me and He loves you and will grant us the peace that exceeds all understanding, if we only allow Him.

Many say, “Money is the root of all evil.”  On the other hand, Mark Twain said, “The lack of money is the root of all evil.”  While each statement has its arguments, the apostle Paul is more accurate, “The love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Tim 6:10).  The love of money leads to selfishness, pride and defiance.

Money matters because it influences almost every aspect of our lives; therefore, it is imperative that we distinguish when money is a curse or a blessing.

Money is a curse when it…

1. Is used just to buy a lot of cool stuff. The philosophy that “The one who dies with the most toys, wins,” naturally separates us from others because, in this selfish state, we obsess about things rather than enjoying people.  The American Bar Association has determined that arguments over money are the most common cause of divorce in the United States.  Cool stuff will never be as fulfilling as loving relationships. 
2. Is used to impress others. A desire for conspicuous consumption sells a lot of houses and fancy cars.  The downside is that impressing others is a phantom that cannot be captured, no matter how much money is wasted.  Parents must be cautious about how important money is to them, how they react when the money is in short supply and how they spend the money they have.  As my wife wrote, “Live where you are comfortable.  We could have moved to a country club neighborhood one time.  I said, ‘Not until we can keep up with the Jones’.  I don’t want our kids to feel like they are playing catch up.”
3. Gives you power to boss around other people. It is the nature and disposition of almost all people that when they get a little authority; they want to control others around them.  It is a test of one’s integrity to have the wealth or position to impose your will and opinions on others but choose to be collaborative.  Using money to stroke an ego reinforces arrogance and is damaging to any relationship.  It also gives the person a false sense of importance.
4. Makes you think you can do whatever you want. How to properly handle money is not intuitive.  Watching the personal failures of suddenly-rich pop stars and athletes is proof.  No one can have everything and no one is above the law.  Some rich people get more consideration than they deserve, but it eventually catches up with them, often with tragic consequences.  
5. Allows you to live a life a drugs, sex and rock and roll. A lifestyle of unconstrained excess is almost impossible to maintain and makes it absolutely impossible to achieve fulfillment as a person.  No one knows what the future holds but history shows that hedonism always ends badly – the money runs out, illness and accidents occur or the aging process catches up.  When any of these happens, the person who had lived “to party” is just another empty shell of someone who could have achieved success and happiness.

 Money is a blessing when it…

1. Provides a roof over your head. In 1942, Abraham Maslow established what he called the Hierarchy of Needs.  Based on his studies of accomplished people, he established that physical safety is needed before people can focus on higher achievements.  Money frees up time and concentration so individuals can develop to the full extent of their potential.
2. Feeds and clothes your family. Everyone wants to have the basic necessities and some of the luxuries of life.  Money can solve a multitude of annoying problems that can impede other worthy pursuits.  It makes day-to-day living more enjoyable for everyone.
3. Increases access to education. There is an abundance of evidence that education increases earning power and promotes an appreciation for the diversity of people and philosophies. These are all blessings to those who take advantage of opportunities for learning.  The potential downside is succumbing to intellectualism, an arrogance that can corrode clear thinking.
4.  Expands your sphere of influence for good. A good person that has money can improve the lives of many people.  Money also influences politics and politicians, and can be beneficial as long as politicians are not allowed to be compassionate by spending other people’s money on their pet projects.  The actions of good people and good politicians can help create better lives for individuals and a better civilization.
5. Gives the means to help others. Helping others in need is a fundamental principal of Christianity and of all worthy religion.  There is real joy in rendering service.  Making monetary contributions to good causes is commendable, but the measure of a man/woman is not how much money is donated.  It is how much service is given and how others are treated.  Money allows people more time to do good.  Some examples are; helping at an elementary school, taking dinner to the sick, paying attention to those who need to talk, serving in the local government, etc.  We also need to be in tune with God so we will be guided to take care of those who truly need our help, including those we meet on the street.

There must be a distinction made between loving money for selfish reasons and using money to do good.  Money does not have a personality of its own.  Its use can help or hurt people; do wonderful or horrendous things.  The same dollar bill can cause a murder or help the needy; it can care for the ill or buy addicting drugs; it can bring people to God or cause nations to go to war. 

Money matters because our happiness can be enhanced or destroyed by how we honor it.  The secret is that we value others more than we value money and we use our money to show what we value.

I have played a game with my grandchildren where I give them choice of a piece of candy or a $1 bill.  When they choose the money, I know that their parents have begun the process of teaching that child about the value of money.  This, however, is just the beginning of the lessons that need to be taught.

Money will be a powerful force in the lives of our children.  They will not intuitively know how to handle it.  Parents have the responsibility to teach these basic money management lessons. 

1. People are more important than cool stuff.

It is not the one who has the most toys that is happiest.  It is the person who has done the most with his or her life.  Happiness cannot be measured in terms of dollars, as popular philosophy teaches.  “Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” — Helen Keller

As the Bible says, “The love of money of money is the root of all evil.”  We need to teach to value others more than we value money and to use our money to show what we value.

2. Learn to delay gratification

If we want our children to be happy, we will help them understand this thought from Zig Ziglar, “The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now.”  That warning applies to more than just money.

Children typically want to spend money as soon as they get it.  “I have heard that money talks but when I give it to my kids, all it says is, ‘Good Bye!”  We must teach that money can often provide instant gratification, but that gratification leads to regret when they don’t have the cash to buy something that they want even more.

3. There is a difference between needs and wants

If children are so coddled that they believe that all of their “wants” are “needs,” we have created an insatiable beast.  Some adults also have this problem and they usually end up in bankruptcy court.

When spoiled children get everything they want, they usually become ungrateful for what they do receive.  Ingratitude has its own set of problems.  Eugene Hansen gave this wise instruction, “It has been said that the sin of ingratitude is more serious than the sin of revenge.  With revenge, we return evil for evil, but with ingratitude, we return evil for good.”

4. An allowance is not payment for doing household chores.

Giving the children an allowance is a good way to teach money management.  It also frees the parent from being constantly used as the kids private ATM.  You give them an allowance and then tell them to live within their means – a lesson that many never learn.

Since the parents provide the necessities of life and most of the wants of their children, children must be required to do something for the privilege of being pampered.  If you pay your kids to do their chores, you are setting yourself up for labor slowdowns and strikes.  You don’t want to have to negotiate with a child about whether he should pick up the family room, even if it is his baby sister’s stuff.

5. Save money for improvement and opportunity.

Hopefully, our children will want an education to prepare to take care of themselves.  They should also want to prepare for marriage and having children of their own.  They must begin when they are young to save for these and other significant events so that they will see the value of these goals.

Children can be taught how to budget by keeping a spending log.  The spending log documents all the money they receive and where they spend their money.  This spending log will provide a basis for creating a budget.  Budgeting is a critical tool and practice in becoming a responsible adult.

6. Comparison shop.

Learning how to shop is nearly as important as learning how to make money.  You can’t fill a sieve with water and you can’t earn more money than you can spend.

Children should be taught how to evaluate the options.  They need to distinguish between quality products and shoddy workmanship that appeals to the eye but doesn’t last.  They also must understand quantity discounts and the relative value of generic products.

7. Use credit wisely.

Credit cards are not money.  Just because we have checks doesn’t mean we have money.  Just because we can qualify for a loan doesn’t mean we should borrow.  Borrowing for a house or an education might make sense.  Every other kind of debt should be avoided, if at all possible.

Buy only what we can afford.  Pay the credit card bill completely every month.  Let the kids know that staying out of debt, especially credit card debt, is very important to you.

8. You can’t have everything.

Everyone must set priorities because no one can have everything.  Buy necessities, including insurance, and save a portion for luxuries and unforeseen expenses. No one knows what the future holds, but we must do our best to prepare for it. 

Kids must understand that an automobile is the ultimate money eater.  Almost every teenager has found a “great deal’ on a used car.  They have the money to buy the car but they don’t even think of the cost of gas, insurance, repairs, etc.  Many have purchased a car only to become its slave.  They neglect school, church and other responsibilities because they have to work to pay for the addiction. Cars are big tin holes you throw your money into.

9. Help others.

Starting at an early age, children must know that you use some of your money to help others.  Talk to them about paying tithing to your church, supporting the homeless center or helping a relative who lost his/her job.  Being charitable is the best way to overcome selfishness.

10. Learn the basics of economics

Help your kids understand the fundamentals of capitalism, socialism and taxation, the pros and cons of big government, and the law of supply and demand.  Without understanding these concepts, our children will be wrongly influenced by those who have never had to make a profit, be accountable for a budget, or live within their means, and that money can corrupt people and organizations. 

Since money influences almost every aspect of our lives, parents must be cautious about how important money is to them, how they react when the money is in short supply and how they spend the money they have.  As you contemplate your child’s future, think about the words of Alexander Graham Bell, “Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.”

Good health is necessary for peak performance in any endeavor.  If you are a CEO, parent, minister or Little League coach, you will accomplish more if you feel well.  I remember being in a meeting over thirty years ago and the speaker said, “You are not much use to God in helping his children if you are dead.”  That was a wake-up call!  I came home and started a jogging regimen the next morning and have not stopped.

Most would agree that maintaining good health is a worthy goal.  The problem is that health problems typically sneak up on us so slowly that we delay making healthy choices until we have a serious issue.  Be proactive and begin a healthier lifestyle today.

The following are some ideas to help motivate you to identify what you might change for better H.E.A.L.T.H:

Happiness

University of Illinois professor emeritus of psychology Ed Diener, a senior scientist for the Gallup Organization, of Princeton, N.J., led a team that analyzed more than 160 long-term studies of human subjects, experimental human and animal trials, and studies that evaluate the health status of people stressed by natural events.  He is quoted in the journal Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being as saying, “The overwhelming majority of studies support the conclusion that happiness is associated with health and longevity.”

Their review found “clear and compelling evidence” that – all else being equal – happy people tend to live longer and experience better health than their unhappy peers.

Shawn Achor, author of New York Times bestseller, “The Happiness Advantage,” and former Harvard University professor writes that studies have shown the following daily activities improve our level of happiness. 

• Recall three things you’re grateful for
• Journal a positive thing each day
• Exercise
• Meditate
• Perform a random act of kindness.

Illness eventually comes to almost all people.  It is a part of life and must be dealt with rationally and with as much faith and hope as possible.  It doesn’t help to complain.  In fact, it is harmful.  Living as normally and happily as possible is better for everyone.

Exercise

The U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states these facts:                                                                                                  “To lose weight, you must use up more calories than you take in.”          ”People who have lost weight and kept it off typically engage in 60—90 minutes of moderate intensity physical activity most days of the week.”

Of course, it is easier said than done.  However, it will not become a burden if you:

• Find an activity you enjoy
• Exercise with someone whose company you enjoy
• Set aside a regular time to exercise

I began jogging three miles a day, three to four days a week in my twenties.  I have continued that regimen but as I got older I increased the number of days and decreased the speed to a brisk walk.  The net effect is the same, burning calories.

Ron Friedman, identified in his article “Regular Exercise Is Part of Your Job,” in the Harvard Business Review, October 3, 2014, the following side benefits:

• Improved concentration
• Sharper memory
• Faster learning
• Prolonged mental stamina
• Enhanced creativity
• Lower stress

Appetite Control

Even though there is a new fad diet each month that some doctor or movie star endorses, there is only one that works.  Eat less, exercise more.  If that were not true, Oprah Winfrey would be skinny.

The CDC states, “Obesity-related conditions include heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, some of the leading causes of preventable death.”  There is no reputable evidence that vegetarian or vegan diets are better for humans.  There is also no evidence that nutritional supplements are as healthy as proper food choices.

The CDC guidelines are as follows:

• Enjoy your food, but eat less.
• Avoid oversized portions.
• Make half your plate fruits and vegetables.
• Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk.
• Compare sodium in foods and choose the foods with lower numbers.
• Drink water instead of sugary drinks.

My wife is the mother of nine children and she has always looked great.  This is her advice. “To lose weight and not make your body think you are starving – lose 5 to 8 pounds a season. That’s 20 to 30 pounds a year. You won’t have to buy so many new clothes and you go slow enough your body can get a new set point. You only need to tweak your diet or exercise program a little to lose 1 to 2 pounds a month.  To begin, I increased exercise by one day per week. Next, I ate an apple or had a drink of water when I started eating everything in sight.  Also, eat every four hours so your blood sugar doesn’t get so low you have to eat a lot.”

Loving Relationships

Our loving relationships with family and friends are more fulfilling than wealth, jobs, degrees, honors, fame, or anything else.  They are also essential to good health.

According to a Harvard Medical School publication, dated December 1, 2010, “Social connections like these not only give us pleasure, they also influence our long-term health in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. Dozens of studies have shown that people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.”

The U.S. government’s National Institutes of Health states this, “For example, Berkman and Syme (1979) showed that the risk of death among men and women with the fewest social ties was more than twice as high as the risk for adults with the most social ties. Moreover, this finding held even when socioeconomic status, health behaviors, and other variables that might influence mortality, were taken into account. Social ties also reduce mortality risk among adults with documented medical conditions. For instance, Brummett and colleagues (2001) found that, among adults with coronary artery disease, the socially isolated had a risk of subsequent cardiac death 2.4 times greater than their more socially connected peers.”

The message is – if you are fighting with your brother or have a grudge against your neighbor, stop it!  For the sake of your good health, be a better friend, neighbor and relative.

Time for Rest

Sleep deprivation has long been used to debilitate a captured enemy.  Don’t debilitate yourself.  Your good health depends on getting sufficient sleep, typically 7 – 8 hours every day for adults.

The National Sleep Foundation recommends the following to improve your sleep hygiene:

• Go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same time each morning.
• Make sure your bedroom is a quiet and dark.
• Make sure your bedroom is neither too hot nor too cold.
• Make sure your bed is comfortable.
• Do not use your bed for reading, watching TV, listening to music, etc.
• Remove all TVs, computers, and other “gadgets” from the bedroom.
• Avoid large meals before bedtime.

Habit Change

Nothing is more important to good health than eliminating bad health habits.

The CDC states, “More than 10 times as many U.S. citizens have died prematurely from cigarette smoking than have died in all the wars fought by the United States during its history.”

“Abuse of tobacco, alcohol, and illicit drugs is costly to our Nation, exacting more than $700 billion annually in costs related to crime, lost work productivity and health care,” according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

The personal costs of substance abuse, include the following:

• Drunk driving deaths
• Automobile accidents
• Unwanted pregnancy
• Life destroying alcoholism / cancer / disease
• Divorce
• Child and spousal abuse
• Loss of a job
• Loss of the trust of ones colleagues
• Saying things that should never have been said
• Wasted time, wasted money and wasted lives

Good H.E.A.L.T.H. is important to everyone so we can do the things we want to do, for our self-image and how others perceive us, for our longevity, our effectiveness at work and at home and for the enjoyment we get from every day of life.  Begin today to improve your own. 

If you want to help others, don’t continually badger them.  They know better than anyone that they have a problem.  They will ask for help when they want it if we let them know that we will help.  Until they ask, we should set a good example by exercising regularly, smiling, being kind, getting rid of unhealthy habits and eating healthy.  Most importantly, be good and do good.

Compassion is one of the great virtues of all major religious of the world.  Even non-religious associations typically embrace compassion because compassion is basic to being a fully-developed human being.

Parents have a responsibility to teach compassion to their children, not only to perpetuate a civilized society, but also so their children will be able to enjoy the society of others and be happy.  Compassion is an active form of love that is expressed by being aware of the needs of others and doing what you can to meet those needs. 

The following are the critical concepts of compassion:

 1.  Acts of compassion make us feel good

“Happiness and peace will come to earth only as the light of love and human compassion enter the souls of men.” – David O. McKay

Shawn Achor, winner of over a dozen distinguished teaching awards at Harvard University and author of The Happiness Advantage states, “A long line of empirical research, including one study of over 2,000 people, has shown that acts of altruism—giving to friends and strangers alike—decrease stress and strongly contribute to enhanced mental health”

We really don’t need empirical research to know that doing good makes us feel good.  It is intuitive and everyone who does it knows it.

2.  Compassion helps us connect with other humans

“Compassion automatically invites you to relate with people because you no longer regard people as a drain on your energy.” – Chogyam Trungpa

We all know people who show kindness and compassion to those around them.  These people are universally liked and admired.  We are drawn to these people because of how they make us feel. 

3.  Compassion is the basis of civilized society

“I can do no other than be reverent before everything that is called life. I can do no other than to have compassion for all that is called life. That is the beginning and the foundation of all ethics.” – Albert Schweitzer

Wherever groups of people live together in a community, compassion must exist in order create an attitude of cooperation.  Since tragedy is a normal part of the human condition, demonstrations of compassion bond people in the society to one another.  Even the rich and powerful have need of compassion.

The more civilized the society, the more compassion is shown for the weak and those who are unlike the norm.  The most advanced societies are those that take care of their own and then reach out to all that need help.  Although not perfect, the United States of America has typically been one of those societies.

Compassion and tolerance, however, do not mean an acceptance of evil or anti-social behavior. We must teach our children to love all people, while abhorring evil, wherever it manifests itself.

4.  Compassion must be expressed

“Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion.” – Dalai Lama

We all appreciate an act of kindness, a supportive comment, or even just a kind smile.  It is impossible to be compassionate and ignore others.   Those who “Remember the little things” really understand compassion.

Often we will see someone having difficulty and say to ourselves, “I wish there was something I could do, but I don’t know that person very well”, or “Someone else is taking care of their needs” or, “I don’t want to bother them at this time because they are already so busy.”  So, we do nothing.   Consider Proverbs 3:27, “Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”

5.  Compassion requires sacrifice

“True compassion means not only feeling another’s pain but also being moved to help relieve it.” – Daniel Goleman

It isn’t easy to be compassionate because it requires effort on our part.  Passivity and compassion are not good companions.  My wife is a wonderful example of service.  Even while raising our nine children, she would consistently look for opportunities to help someone in need by delivering a home cooked meal, making a phone call or sending a note of appreciation and encouragement.

Parents can use these five concepts to help teach their children about compassion, thus bringing joy to their children, to their entire family and to the society where their family lives.  However, when parents also model compassionate behavior, their children are much more likely to learn this essential virtue.   

When we were raising our children, I would always tell them, “Attitude determines altitude.”  This idea is very similar to another I used in business, “Hire the smile and train the rest.”  A person does not need to be the most skilled at a certain task if they have the right attitude.  The right attitude means that they are willing to learn and pleasant to those with whom they work.

Often, improving an attitude is more difficult than improving a skill.  The following are ideas that can help:

1. Look for the good – I heard a speaker say this couplet when I was 19 years old, “Life is a show for you and for me, and what you look for is what you see.”  That thought has had a profound impact on my life.  It reminds me that I can choose how I feel about the things that naturally happen to me and to everyone else in this world.  I can see life as a series of obstacles or a series of challenges that will make me a better person.
2. Don’t play the victim – It is sad when people adopt victimhood as their way of being.  They become like missile-seeking targets.  They can never be happy because there is always someone or something making their lives miserable. 
3. Stop saying, “I have to…” – Constantly saying, “I have to” do this or that is a sign of someone looking for sympathy. There are only two things you have to do – die and pay for your sins; everything else is optional. We choose to do those things that we don’t really want to do because we know the consequences of our choice, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Since we make that choice, it is much healthier to say, “I am going to” work or school or traffic court, rather than, “I have to go to…”
4. Talk positively – Life is so much better if, when people ask, “How are you are doing,” to instinctively respond, “Fantastic!”  First of all, when compared to billions of other people, our lives are fantastic.  Secondly, when we say that we are “Fantastic,” it reminds us of how great our lives are and that we need to make sure that we speak that way.
5. Acknowledge our blessings – I have a friend who is the Pastor of a local church.  Whenever I ask him, “How are you are doing,” he always responds, “Blessed!”  He has taken his view of life to another level.  Not only does he recognize how wonderful life is, even with its problems, he also recognizes God’s hand in making his life “blessed.”
6. Stop complaining – No one has everything go their way.  But, as Grandma Allred used to say, “Bloom where you are planted.”  In other words, make the best of the situation.  Complaining is corrosive.  It only serves to create a negative attitude in ourselves and anyone else who listens, including the kids.   We choose to do what we want to do or what we feel is correct.  Whining about it will not help. 
7. Recognize that we can’t control others – Parents must realize that there comes a day when they can’t force their children to behave any more than we can make others drive safely.  Children can do whatever they want unless they are physically restrained, and there aren’t enough teenager prisons to handle them all. 

      We like to believe that we should be in control of everyone else.            The only one in control is God.  We have to look to Him to execute        justice and make things “fair.”  What we can do is model a                    positive attitude and show our children the good things that come        to those who try to be good.

7. Recognize that Murphy’s Law is nonsense – I think that the notion of Murphy’s Law, “If anything can go wrong, it will,” is just silly.  It would be a great idea to never utter those words, or, “That’s just my luck,” “I never win anything,” “Why does everything happen to me,” etc.
8. Stop stressing over things you can’t change – We have had our share of financial, family and health problems.  Through it all, my wife would calmly do whatever she could to solve the problem without adding drama to the situation.  She says, “Don’t worry.  If you can do something about a problem, do it.  If you can’t do anything, worrying won’t help.”

If we want to be happy and help our children to see the best in life, we must have a positive attitude.  Life will truly be difficult from time to time, but if we work at it, life will get better.  Your positive attitude will positively affect your altitude.

I was recently in a class of 21 other older men, like me. 

The discussion leader asked, “How many of you have a child or grandchild that has chosen a lifestyle that will compromise their health, happiness or financial stability?  I am not talking about making a serious mistake or two, because we all do that.  I am talking about loved ones who consciously choose a lifestyle that will have significant negative consequences, which they can’t seem to see or do not want to see.”

Every hand went up.

Because this gut-wrenching reality is nearly universal, I would like to share some hope.  This is not my concept but it was taught by Jesus Christ, as recorded in the Bible.  Whether Christian or not, the lesson is applicable for all those who want to help others who have lost their way.  It is especially meaningful for those of us who have a family member or other loved one who is on the road to disaster.

In Luke, chapter 15, those who were critical of Jesus pointed out that he chose to associate with the lost souls of his time.  Jesus did not answer his critics directly but, instead, told three parables in succession. 

He told three stories about something being lost because each parable addresses a different reason that a bad choice was made.  Since bad choices lead to bad places, Jesus tells us how to rescue those who are lost.

1. The lost sheep – The shepherd goes in search of a lost sheep, finds it, puts it on his shoulders and brings it back to the flock.

Christ’s teaching:

• Go get them – The shepherd left the rest of the flock in order to find a sheep that had innocently wandered away. Many times our innocent loved ones are lured away by those who claim to be friends, or corrupting influences of a corrupting media, or just yielding to physical urges, without proper restraint. We need to actively and immediately go to these sheep and teach them the truth.
• Carry them – Innocents have not yet learned how to see the consequences of their actions. They are easily misled and we must carry them with our strength, like the shepherd, until they can develop their own.
• Do not be harsh – The shepherd did not beat the wandering sheep. When one is innocent, they are not choosing to rebel against what is right. They don’t fully understand what is right.  They do need to be corrected and taught and loved.  Harshness will not bring them back.
• Rejoice – Everything that an innocent does to improve should be celebrated. Both the shepherd and the sheep will be better for it.

2. The lost coin – A woman loses one of her ten gold coins, so she sweeps her house until she finds it.

Christ’s teaching:

• Act with a sense of urgency – The woman did not wait until the light was just right to search for the lost coin (lost soul). She lit a candle and began to sweep immediately
• Search – Since the coin did not lose itself, we must recover it because it will not come back on its own. The woman had not properly cared for the coin and, therefore, it was lost.  We must accept responsibility for losing the coin, and for finding the coin.  
• Make it right – Many people feel guilty when a loved one goes astray. Usually that guilt is inappropriate and unproductive.  In the case of the lost coin, guilt is proper and it motivates us to apologize for our actions that caused the coin to be lost.  Then, we can retrieve the coin from its lost place.  
• Rejoice – When the lost coin (lost soul) accepts our apology and returns, we rejoice. However, because the coin was lost as a result of our actions, we must be very careful not to repeat the same mistakes.

3. The lost (prodigal) son – The son of a loving father takes his inheritance and wastes it in riotous living. He realizes his mistake and returns home to accept his father’s will.

Christ’s teaching:

• Wait – The son in this story was not innocent (sheep) and was not the victim of the actions of another (coin). He knowingly chose to leave his loving family and the principles that he knew were correct in order to satisfy his ego and lusts.  He was prodigal, which means wasteful.  Jesus taught that we don’t wring our hands and worry about making amends for being human.  This son chose to turn his back on all that was good, so we wait until the son realizes that he was wrong and wants to do better.
• Love – We must show unconditional love, like the father in this parable did, to even those who have wronged us and blamed us and taken advantage of us. We don’t justify their bad behavior but we love them in spite of their behavior.
• Teaching can wait – The father welcomed his son home with unconditional love and acceptance. The son will have many lessons to learn and re-learn, but lessons can wait until the celebrations are over.  Preaching should be minimal and teaching should only be as often as the student is willing to learn.
• Rejoice – It goes without saying that parents are happiest when all of their children are safe within the fold.

We always rejoice when someone who is precious to us is found.  Remember that none of these stories teaches using compulsion or trying to make another feel guilty.   Persuasiveness, patience, gentleness and love are the key elements in rescuing those who are lost.

Pygmalion was a sculptor in Greek mythology who fell in love with a statue of a woman he had carved.  The ivory statue was transformed into a human being by the goddess Athena to be Pygmalion’s wife.

The award winning Broadway play and film, My Fair Lady, was based on the play Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw.  In My Fair Lady, a girl from the gutter is transformed into a princess by Henry Higgins, a professor of phonetics.  This transformation was not magic.  It was a transformation of how she saw herself and others saw her based on the way she spoke.  As professor Henry Higgins sings, “An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him.”

Whether we like it or not, the same is true today.  When you begin to speak, you are classifying yourself, creating your own label.  Your speech is your personal advertisement of how you want others to see you.  It might not be totally accurate but it is the billboard of yourself that you have erected.

Even in our society where there seems to be nothing sacred and where moral boundaries are quickly eroding, crude and vulgar language is still a sign of who you are.  Regardless of your title, profanity damages your authority and reputation.

Most intuitively agree with this explanation, “Profanity is the effort of a feeble mind to express itself forcibly” – Spencer W. Kimball.  If it takes profanity to make your point, then you are unable to express yourself adequately.  If don’t have a feeble mind, then you are using profanity because you lack the cultural, legal or charismatic authority to persuade others.

The following are five ways that the use of crude or vulgar language by bosses, parents, coaches, foremen, etc. degrades your leadership.

1. Crudeness is often associated the unlearned and uncultured. You might have many advanced degrees but when you use profanity, you are classified with those who speak as if the f-bomb is the only adjective they know. Some say that profanity is normal language for those in certain types of jobs.  If you aspire to be more that “just one of the boys,” speak like a man or woman of distinction.

2. Using filthy language shows a lack of respect for oneself and all who are within earshot. It makes others uncomfortable to be subjected to such a display of boorishness.  People try to protect their children from profanity because they desire to protect their children’s innocence and virtue.  Virtue in adults is just as valuable and no one deserves to be assaulted with bad language.                                                                                                     
3. Swearing is a sign of aggressiveness. Otherwise dignified people will launch into profanity when they are angry. In the workplace, this type of behavior could be cause for termination for an employee, or a lawsuit if it is a boss who is creating a hostile work environment.  Such aggressive behavior is not motivating at work, on the ball field or in the home.

4. Profanity is not the sign of someone who is in control of him/her self. It is juvenile and it is what juveniles do to show that they do not have to follow rules.  One of my favorite shows is The Profit, with Marcus Lemonis.  Lemonis shows his remarkable talent helping businesses to succeed using his formula of “People, Process and Product.”  My only criticism of his method is that when he is in a confrontational situation, he reverts to the use of profanity to make his point.  This is not a good process to use with people to sell a product.  Self-control is always the best way to deal with others.

5. It is obvious that Americans are not very concerned about offending God. Even though many believe in the Ten Commandments, they ignore the commandment that prohibits taking the name of the Lord in vain.  In today’s society, no one would use the N-word in polite society but using the name of God in vain is as commonplace as saying “lettuce.”  Let me be very clear, taking the name of God is vain is offensive to God and to those who worship Him.         

The way you speak classifies you.  By elevating your language and avoiding profanity, you transform yourself as a boss, a parent, a coach or a foreman.  You will have more respect for yourself and those you lead will have more respect for you.  You label yourself as a better person.

The American clergyman, Edward Everett Hale, said, “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.”  The concept of just doing “something” to help others is inspiring. 

As humans, we often think of something we could do for someone else but rationalize not doing anything.  We might think, “Someone else will take care of it,” or “I don’t want to appear to be foolish, or presumptive, or self-righteous,” or “They brought this calamity on themselves,” or, or, or…

My wife, Sue, and I know how simple acts of kindness can profoundly impact one’s life.  The following are examples of what others have done for us that might serve as food for thought.

Guidance – In my early teens, I was making a smart aleck remark at a Boy Scout meeting.  Byron privately told me that I was “better than that,” and encouraged me to change my attitude.  I am a better man because of it.

Helping – When we were just starting out as a young married couple, we only had one car and three children.  Many kind friends helped us by taking the family to meetings when I was on assignment elsewhere.  That service strengthened our determination to help others whenever we can.

Random encouragement – Several times when we took our nine children out to eat, random people would complement us on the behavior of our kids.  Raising children to be good adults is made easier when others are supportive.

Simple gestures – Kris came to visit Sue on her birthday when we were new in the area and brought her a bouquet of flowers from Kris’ yard, placed in a Mason jar.  It brightened Sue’s day and created a lasting memory.

Advice – As we tried to find a cardiologist to care for my deteriorating heart condition, Bruce, a doctor, helped us find the best possible care.  It allowed me to feel better and have confidence in the future.

Listening – I was in the hospital being treated for heart failure symptoms and Sue was left at home to care for our children.  Alana was there to lend a listening ear.  It was just what Sue needed at that time.

Comfort – When I was waiting for a heart transplant, Katy would always check on Sue to make sure that she was OK and give her encouragement.  It helped her when I was not able to help.

Making life sweeter – When Sue was out of town, Randy and Becca made it a point to invite me over to their house for dinner.  Kind acts always create better friendships.

Job assistance – Dennis helped me find and get jobs, on two different occasions.  The income from those jobs was essential for our family.

Physical labor – When I lost my job, we had to move to a rental house.  Ron brought over a moving van and helped us move our large family.  The manual labor was much needed but the kindness was even sweeter.

Charity – Terry and Karen heard that I had lost a job and was having a difficult time finding another.  One night, they came to our house with several bags of food for our family.          They did the good that they felt they should.

Compliments – Both of my younger brothers have said, “You’re my hero.”  Kind words strengthen bonds of love.

Letters – When we moved from the home where we raised our children, Brian took the time to mail me a letter telling me how much he appreciated our friendship.  That letter is a wonderful keepsake and his friendship is priceless.

Neighborliness – Our neighbor, Fred, is well past retirement age but he insists on mowing our lawn because he is already mowing his.  He shows his Christianity in his actions.       

If we all did something meaningful for another every day, the impact would be like a tidal wave of goodness washing over a world of selfishness.  You never know how much good your simple act of kindness will do, but be assured; a pebble of kindness always creates a ripple.