Before I was married I had three theories about raising children.  Now I have three children and no theories.

John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester      (1647-1680) 

Having children is a great way to refute naive opinions of how to properly raise a child.  Children are people and people are different.  Each situation is different.  Therefore, there is no patently correct answer to every child or every situation.  However, there are some underlying truths that never change.  These must be the bedrock of our approach to unique people in unique situations.  I am convinced that the following are the foundation upon which we must build our family, if we are to be successful in creating a legacy of a happy family.

1. Eliminate pride in our relationships.  Most loving parents intuitively know how to raise their children.  The problems arise when we stop listening to our hearts and start satisfying our own pride and selfishness.  Most marriages fail and most parents lose touch with their kids because of pride and selfishness.  Rather than trying to solve a problem in a loving manner, many times we harden our hearts and act in a way that only serves to protect our ego.  I can write authoritatively on this subject because I do it with greater frequency that I care to admit.

2. Understand the importance of a father and mother role model.  Thankfully, mothers usually act in the best interest of their children.  Many children do not have an attentive father, because he is absent or he is involved in other activities that he considers to be more important.  This role needs to be filled by someone, even if it is an uncle, church leader, Scoutmaster, family friend, etc. Having a good father and mother role model will increase the likelihood that the child will have the perspective necessary to be a successful spouse, parent and person.

3. Teach our children with love.  Nothing is more important than love in any human relationship.  Loving our children comes naturally to most parents.  To love is not to compromise the truth, nor to spoil or coddle, nor to condone inappropriate behavior.  We follow the example of Jesus Christ when we love the sinner but condemn the sin.

The important thing to remember is to convert the love we feel into what we do and say.  Our children will tolerate a lot of our mistakes if they know that we love them.  We have all seen wayward children return to goodness after realizing that their parents still loved them in spite of their bad behavior.  They usually do not come back if the parents do not reach out to them with love.

“The home is the first and most effective place for children to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control; the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home”   –  David O. McKay

If our homes are truly the university of life for our children, we must be prepared and willing to teach.  If success in our home is the most important success in life, we must devote as much time as is necessary to achieve the desired result.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” 

Pericles (495 – 429 BC)

Most people were raised by parents who did just fine with us even though they never read a child rearing book. I believe that is because much of child rearing is intuitive for those who want to be a good parent.  Most child rearing books are written by psychologists.  Since I am a CPA by training, you will not find any psychological theory in these posts, but you will find my intuitive theories and what I have learned raising our nine children to adulthood.

My posts are not intended to be a manual on how to get inside your kids’ heads.  We all know that every one of us is unique.  Methods that help one child might not help the next.  Therefore, the wise parent will listen to others ideas and decide what is best for each individual child.

I’m not always correct, as my kids frequently point out but, hopefully, you will find practical advice as to what seems to work and what doesn’t.  I just want to share some ideas and experiences about life with you readers.

Since our professions, service organizations, sporting events, etc. are obviously less important than our families, we must devote sufficient time and effort to make sure that we are taking care of things at home.  Too many fathers have the misconception that their responsibility is to earn money so that the family can have the essentials, and luxuries, of life.  Some think it is Mom’s responsibility to raise the kids while Dad participates in other activities. 

A father’s role is so much more important than just buying Play Stations and funding a college education. The societal problems and temptations of our day require a more involved father.  Fathers must talk to, play with, educate, discipline, enjoy and love their children.  The lack of a father-figure will cause society to lose our children in even greater numbers than ever before because of the destructive forces all around us.  By the time the specter of losing a child becomes evident, it might be too late to make a course correction.

Subsequent posts will deal with how parents, but especially fathers, can protect and provide for their families while providing the leadership that children so desperately need.

We often hear the phrase, “Don’t judge me,” especially when the person saying it is doing something that they know they shouldn’t.  Some use the biblical, “Judge not that ye be not judged” (Matt 7:1), as justification.  Jesus Christ did not mean that we should not make any judgments because he also said, “…judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).  It is, therefore, important that we learn how to judge righteously or appropriately.  When I die, I am confident that I will still be judged even if I never judged anyone.

Will Rogers said, “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.”  Certainly we learn from our experience but it would be wonderful if we could avoid bad experiences. 

Since we all make hundreds of judgments every day; including, what will I do with my free time and, how much will I spend on a hamburger; these are some guidelines to consider.

Appropriate Judgement

• Associations – We must all determine if those we associate are potentially damaging to us. For example – Will I go to lunch with the group at work that likes to tell dirty jokes?  Will I allow my children to go to the home of people I do not know very well?  We can work with and be around others that do not share our standards but we have the right and obligation to protect ourselves as much as possible from those associations that are harmful.  We also judge who we will date and marry.

• Philosophies – Evil does exist in the world and wickedness is glorified in the media. We use our judgement to keep those philosophies from damaging our lives.

• Life Paths – Just because it looks cool to spend your life gratifying your every urge doesn’t mean that it is a good choice. If others choose a certain lifestyle or if there is something that “everyone” does, you don’t have to follow suit.  Use your judgement to determine if that is the correct path for you.

• Habits – Some habits hurt others. Some lead to addictions.  Judge carefully because your choice could control your future.

• Appearance – Everyone knows that you can’t judge a book by its cover but following that adage blindly could lead you astray. The clothes we wear and the things we do to our bodies are our personal billboard as to what we are.  Sometimes our interpretation is wrong but there is nothing wrong with being cautious around a person who is advertising something we don’t buy.

• Abilities – If you have ever hired a plumber or interviewed a job applicant, you know that you must be able to judge the abilities of someone to do a certain job.

Inappropriate Judgement

• Snap Judgements – Except in emergency situations, snap judgements should be avoided. Don’t judge by appearances or initial impressions.  Do some research and evaluation, otherwise you can make some bad decisions and lose out on some cherished friendships.

• Potential – We are incapable of determining the potential of another person. We are all children of God and Christ told us to perfect like he is.  We can never say that another person will never be a better person than they are right now.  There is always hope.

• Final Judgement – Only God has the right and the ability to render a final judgement. Some say that they are going to heaven; while those who worship differently than they do are damned.  That judgement is exactly what is meant by, “Judge not…”    

• Ego Driven – Any judgement that has the sole purpose of fueling someone’s arrogance will be tainted, at best. Those who live to judge others to make themselves look better will lead a lonely and unfulfilled existence.

• Judging Oneself Too Harshly – We all have problems and character flaws. That is because we are human.  God knows us and loves us.  He does not want to condemn us.  If we are on the path to be more like him and trying to do his will, he will accept us and help us.

We will continue to make judgments every day, as we always have.  We will certainly make better judgments if we follow the advice of author, Anne McCaffrey, “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

Since the beginning of mankind, the object and design of our existence has been happiness.  Some find satisfaction in their pretty face, sculpted physique, athletic prowess, or the places they have visited, the money they have made or the media acclaim they have received.  Sadly, these are all fleeting sources of happiness because people age and trends change.

Others find satisfaction in being the smartest attorney, the best plumber, the most powerful politician or, the most artistic, charismatic or intelligent person in their circle.  These accomplishments are gratifying but they are poor substitutes for true happiness because they are all inwardly focused are not sustainable.

The happiest place on earth is not Disneyland. It can be a fun diversion but there is no permanence in diversions, no matter how fun.  The happiest place on earth is wherever we are, if we have a life of enduring engagement and meaning.

In order to find true fulfillment or joy, we must do something and not just wish for it. It is a daily process that is available to all who are free to act.

The path to enduring joy includes doing each of these every day:

1. Serve someone – Look for opportunities to lift someone else in a meaningful way. Dedicate yourself to a worthy cause that will give a continuing source of satisfaction for many years to come. Or, just continually do random acts of kindness.

    “Scientific research provides compelling data to support the                  anecdotal evidence that giving is a powerful pathway to personal          growth and lasting happiness,” according to Jenny Santi, author of      The Giving Way to Happiness. 

     Smile – Be Kind – Help

2. Learn Something –We can learn in many ways, including school, books, exploration, surrounding ourselves with thought provoking people, etc. “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

     According to Babbel Magazine (November 2017), “A review of               multiple studies, conducted by researchers at the University of             Cambridge, found “robust evidence that adult learning leads to             increases in self-esteem and self-efficacy.”

     Read – Listen – Discuss

3.  Express gratitude – Remember this couplet:                                              “Life is a show for you and for me,                                                              And what you look for is what you see.”

     Look for joy in life. Laugh often. Surround yourself with positive           people and then share that positivity. Do an inventory every night         of how blessed you are.  Then, thank God, family, friends,                       teachers, mentors and waitresses as often as you can.

     Harvard Medical School reports in Harvard Health Publishing, “In         positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and                         consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps           people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences,                 improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong                       relationships.”

     Say thank you – Pray – Ponder the positives of life

4. Exercise – A healthy body and mind crave exercise. Do something       active 5 hours a week, even if it is just walking. If the activity                 is outside – even better – because you get a bonus dose of vitamin       D.

    In a study published in The Lancet, scientists at Yale and Oxford          collected data about the physical behavior and mental mood of            over 1.2 million Americans. The scientists found that those who            exercised regularly tended to feel bad for 35 days a year while              nonactive participants felt bad for 53 days, on average. That’s 51%      less bad days for those who exercise.                                                        (Business Insider February 2020)

    Play – Walk – Go to a gym

“The U. S. Constitution doesn’t guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.” – Benjamin Franklin

If you serve someone, learn something, exercise and express gratitude every day, you will be better person and you will find that the happiest place on earth is wherever you are.

The First Amendment to the Constitution states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” This “separation of church and state” is now typically interpreted as the exclusion of God from anything governmental.  Reading the speeches of the founding fathers reveals that they considered God an integral part of their lives and the existence of this nation.  

The culture of our century is defined by Hollywood morality.  In other words, the moral compass of our country now consists of platitudes that reflect the philosophies of men with God playing only a minor role.

Without God, you can make up your own rules; which is precisely what has been done.  The government is now the counterfeit god you pray to in order to get what you want.  Environmentalism is now the counterfeit religion, just like the nature worshiping pagans and pantheists of antiquity. 

Of even greater concern is the impact that Hollywood morality has had on those who worship God.  Corrupt philosophies have led to a counterfeit tolerance that does not judge anything to be good or evil.  They attempt to claim their virtue by preaching, “God is love.”  God is just love and nothing else; no justice, no obedience, no self-control and no accountability?

This chic concept of situational ethics ignores consequences and the absolutes that God mandated.   As philosopher, C. Terry Warner put it, “Indulgence is a punitive counterfeit of charity.” 

Counterfeit morality appeals to those who are wise in their own eyes.  Consider how the Ten Commandments have been perverted by otherwise God-fearing people.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Haven’t we, as a society, embraced celebrities, sports teams, jobs, entertainment, etc. to be our modern-day gods?

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

Aren’t cars, boats, homes, jewelry, etc. forms of graven, or man-made, images that we can choose worship and adore?

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Isn’t profanity rampant in all segments of society with the name of the Lord featured prominently?  And, doesn’t using the name of our God in casual conversation and in meaningless oaths qualify as “in vain?”

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Are football, working, shopping, playing at the beach, going to Disneyland, etc. holy activities?  Is God’s designated holy day just like all the rest?”

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

Does honoring our parents allow ignoring them in their old age?  How about when young adults live off the labors of their parents?  Finally, can we honor parents when we absolve ourselves of their care in favor of government agencies?

6. Thou shalt not kill.

People don’t usually kill others, partly because of the consequences.  How about when they kill the spirit of another through abuse or neglect?  Isn’t abortion a form of killing, since that embryo already has God-given life in it?

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Is it ever acceptable to trifle with the God-given power to create life?  Aren’t promiscuity, pornography, sexual abuse and perversion all forms of violating the sacredness of what God intended as marital relations for a husband and wife?  Isn’t sexual immorality one of the foundations of the corrupting Hollywood morality?

8. Thou shalt not steal.

Aren’t exorbitant judgments from groundless lawsuits now one of the major get-rich-quick scams of our day for dishonest plaintiffs and their attorneys?  Is it not also stealing to tax one group of citizens so politicians can improve their image by being charitable with other people’s money?

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness.

Don’t we allow a little cheating on a tax return, accepting political “spin,” twisting the truth to suit our needs and exaggerating the negatives about people we don’t like?

10. Thou shalt not covet.

Aren’t debt, fashion devotion, and some forms of plastic surgery all manifestations of coveting things we don’t have?

Conventional wisdom teaches that we should do whatever we want unless it hurts another person directly and immediately.  Therefore, have sex outside marriage as long as you use a condom.  Ignore God because his justice is not immediate.  Cheat on your taxes as long as you don’t get caught.  Drive as fast as you want if you don’t hit someone else.  Do anything you want as long as you can get away with it.

Conventional wisdom is counterfeit wisdom.  The Ten Commandments are commandments and not suggestions or broad guidelines open to loose interpretation.  Justice will come.  Hollywood morality and our counterfeit culture will all unravel.  The only hope is to love God and our fellowman by keeping the commandments.  It is the only way to true happiness.

My oldest daughter bought me a shirt that has these words written in bold, black letters on the chest, “Everyone is Entitled to My Opinion.”  I doubt that she meant it as one of the things that she admires most about her dad.  I readily admit that I have an opinion about everything that I consider consequential and it has taken me many years to learn to express those opinions more appropriately.

I know of the old adage, “One never discusses politics or religion in polite company.”  Politics and religion are my favorite topics and I find discussing them to be mentally stimulating.   However, even prattling about mindless trivialities can get you in trouble these days.  Discussing the weather can easily slip into the politicized bombshell of “climate change.”  “How are you?” – can lead to a debate on the importance of God in our lives. 

Since discussions of things that are important to us lead us to express our opinions.  And, since opinions are as ubiquitous and individual as people, we need to learn how to express our opinions and when to just shut up.

From someone who apparently feels that everyone is entitled to my opinion, I offer the following list, based on extensive experience with my wife and children, and on the job.

Shut Up When You…

1. See a glazed look in the eyes of the person to whom you are speaking. They are no longer listening, no matter how brilliant your comments are.
2. Are doing all of the talking and no one else is participating in the “conversation.” This is when you become a bore and a boor.
3. Know the other person has no regard for what you are saying. Don’t waste your time or theirs.
4. Are damaging your relationship by what you are saying. Sometimes you have to say unpleasant things to others, but stop until you can say it in a better way.
5. Keep talking about things that are inconsequential or unimportant to others. For example, when you discuss the latest standings in the NBA with me.
6. Start to use sarcasm. Sarcasm is the language of arrogance and condescension.
7. Are expressing an opinion on something you know little or nothing about. Questioning would be more appropriate.
8. Realize that being right is not as important as being right with the person to whom you are speaking. Relationships are always more important than being right.
9. Use inflammatory language. The politician you are discussing is not an idiot, even if you strongly disagree with his/her philosophy.
10. Realize that the other person in the conversation is an egotist. The proud are terrible conversationalists since they prefer to lecture and mock rather than discuss.
11. Resort to demeaning the other person rather than focusing on the topic. This is a sure indication that you do not have the ability to defend your opinion.
12. Lecture anyone for more than three minutes. After three minutes of talking, you have lost their attention and you are probably just repeating what you already said.
13. Could undermine the authority of a leader of a worthwhile cause.  Talk to the leader if you have a concern instead of complaining to anyone who will listen.
14. Become aware that everything you are saying is about yourself. No one wants to listen to a braggart.
15. Intend to say something, that doesn’t have to be said, that could hurt someone else’s feelings. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean that it has to be spoken.

The ability to say the right thing at the right time is an important talent.  The ability to know when to shut up and do it is probably more important.

My wife and I are working with a number of people who are trying to change for the better.  Their goal is to become more productive, draw closer to God and get to the point where they can help others.  Many of them are fighting addictions.

Improvement is only possible through change.  As we help them to change, we give them commitments to keep.  Those commitments include associating with people who will lift them, reading, evaluating, changing habits and praying.  Even with the best of intentions, some continue to stumble, but stumbling is OK if they get up and continue forward.   

Most of our societal problems are the result of people following the mantra of the 1970’s, “If it feels good, do it.”  Some were never taught or they consistently chose to avoid anything that required effort, sacrifice or self-restraint.  Following the path of least resistance led them to a life of mediocrity or to the dark world of addictions

Commitment issues are not exclusive to overcoming addictions.  Many people avoid doing difficult things and have suffered the consequences.  Common commitment problems include homework, chores, marriage, diets, job assignments, money management, exercise and charitable kindness.

As employers, parents, friends, coaches and counselors, we can help those with commitment issues if they are willing to do their part.  The following ideas will increase the likelihood of success.

Steps to help others make and keep commitments

1. Explain what they are supposed to do, in detail. They need to understand the commitment before they can keep it.
2. Challenge them to commit to the task. If they have questions, answer all of the questions and challenge them again.
3. Ask them to repeat what they are committing to do. Many times people will say they understand but it will become obvious if they don’t as they try to express the commitment.
4. Describe the benefits of keeping the commitment. Most people want to know the benefit of change before they are willing to pay the price.
5. Tell them how keeping the commitment has helped you. Personal testimonials make the benefits real.
6. Express confidence in their ability to keep their commitments. Everyone does better at a task if they feel supported.
7. Instruct them to write the commitment on something that they will see multiple times each day. The act of writing something and then reading it multiple times reinforces the commitment in their mind.
8. Help them to admit when their actions have harmed themselves and others. This process helps them understand that there are real consequences if they fail.
9. Follow up with them on a regular basis and discuss how well they are keeping the commitment. When someone has to report on their progress, they are more likely to keep a commitment.
10. Have them describe the benefits they have seen in keeping the commitment. Verbalizing the benefits will help them see how much better their life is becoming and the future potential of their actions.
11. Praise them for their successes. It is always motivating to have a cheering section.
12. Give them something to read that will reinforce what they are trying to accomplish. Reading will increase their knowledge and give them more tools and more reasons to keep their commitments.
13. Encourage them to surround themselves with supportive people and lose the friends with whom they shared their addictions. Since “birds of a feather flock together,” they need a new flock.
14. Counsel them to ask God for strength. God will help anyone who is trying to become a better person.
15. Don’t give up on them. Most people fail initially when trying to change. They are not used to keeping commitments because it is difficult.  With time, those who are truly motivated will be successful.

Scottish mountaineer and writer, William Hutchison Murray, wrote,

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”                                                       

If we, as employers, parents, friends, coaches and counselors want to help others, we must be committed to them and committed to being better people ourselves.  Our lives and their lives will be richer, healthier and happier.