As a parent, I was adamant about curfews for our children.  Our kids had a curfew of 10 pm on school nights and midnight on weekends, until they reached age 18 and had graduated from high school.   Any variance from the appointed curfew had to be negotiated in advance and wasn’t usually approved, unless it was a very special occasion, like a Senior Prom. 

When our kids were out at night, I would usually sit on the couch and watch TV until they arrived home.  We would exchange pleasantries, and then I would go to bed.  When curfew was violated, we had a discussion about how parents worry about their children, why they worry, and a penalty was imposed.  The penalty was usually making the curfew earlier for the next weekend.  Consistent enforcement seemed to prevent repeat offenses.

Since we had nine children, I played Curfew Cop for over 20 years.  These are the reasons that I felt it necessary to wait for my children to come home before I went to bed.

1. Kids have no good reason to stay out late. Socialization is very important to teenagers but it doesn’t need to be done late into the night, when fatigue could impair judgment. 
2. Curfews help guard against serious problems. Crime, alcohol and drug use, auto accidents and teenage pregnancy statistics validate that statement.
3. Children need help in establishing good health habits. Establishing good sleeping patterns is necessary for learning and proper brain development.  It is also an important habit to develop for holding a job. 
4. Curfews teach teenagers to be responsible. Learning how to make and keep commitments is part of becoming a responsible adult.  Complying with a curfew can be a difficult choice when friends have more lenient parents, so it is a good testing ground.
5. Waiting up gave me the chance to assess the condition of my kids when they came home. Knowing that they will be looking their dad in the eye and explaining how their evening went was a good way to help our kids make proper decisions earlier in the evening.  Sometimes, teenagers will come home with problems or concerns and want to talk without anyone else around.
6. Enforcing curfews shows love. One of my daughters wrote this, “Dad (would be) sitting up every weekend night waiting for us to come in.  We knew he would be there on the couch, not tucked in to bed waiting for us to come wake him up.  He wanted to be awake and completely aware of what we looked like, smelled like, acted like when we came in from our wanderings.”  Another daughter wrote, “He realized how important it was to be awake and aware of when we were walking in the door and what we were doing all night, making sure we weren’t getting into too much trouble.”

Our children are all adults now.  I have never regretted the sleep I lost and I am grateful for the chance I had to show my kids that I was concerned about their physical, spiritual and emotional well-being by being there for them when they came home at night.

Good parents want nothing more than for their children to be men and women of character.  That is, to be individuals who have honor, goodness and integrity.  These attributes will benefit each child and anyone who associates with them, because strength of character is necessary to achieve any worthwhile goal. 

The character, or integrity, of our children also has a tremendous impact beyond our own family. Confucius said, “The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home.”  What we do with our children helps strengthen our society.

A good character is not genetic.  It must be taught, learned and earned.  Some would debate if our children are who they are because of nature (they were born that way) or nurture (they were raised that way).  Most parents would agree that their children are unique but they can be taught.  In other words, there are elements of nature and nurture. 

Our character is the sum of our choices.  Therefore, we must take advantage of the time we are with our kids to teach them to make good choices.  Once they leave the house, there isn’t much a parent can do to help them make correct decisions.  We love them and want them to be successful and happy in life.  The following are some ways to help children to choose correctly so that they will become men and women of character.

1. Teach correct principals. Children must be taught not only right from wrong but also good from better and best.  The teaching of parents should also be supplemented by allowing the kids to associate with people of character.  For example, if a child likes sports, the most important consideration should be the coach.
2. Set a good example. Those who disregard the law typically raise children who disregard the law.  Our society is plagued with individuals and micro-societies that justify bad behavior because of some past wrong, or perceived wrong, that was done to them or someone they know.  Parents must be mature enough to do what is right regardless of wrongs done to them.  
3. Reinforce the importance of a good character. We have a bronze plaque on our front door that reads, “Return with Honor.” It is intended to be a constant reminder of what is expected of each member of our family, parents included.  It also helps every family remember that their actions reflect on all members of the family.
4. Recognize and reward good behavior. It is much more important in developing character for a child to be recognized and praised for helping someone with their homework than for scoring the winning touchdown.  It doesn’t happen often enough.  Society is teaching kids that winning at sports is more important than almost anything.  Our most effective method to combat this lie is to praise appropriately.  
5. Explain the law of consequences. Moral agency is one of the greatest of God’s gifts to man.  An eternal truth is that you can choose your actions, but you can’t choose the consequences.  Since every person has agency, it is up to parents to teach their children to make choices that yield positive consequences.
6. Help kids connect the dots. When we counsel our children with, “Don’t hang around with kids who don’t share your values,” or “Don’t use alcohol or drugs.”  We must also tell them why.  “Kids who don’t share your values will make it very easy for you to make bad choices.”  “Alcohol and drugs impair you and could lead to decisions that will destroy your life both physically and morally.”  Then, follow up with examples.  There are thousands of bad examples.  Most teenagers are smart but they are not always good at connecting the dots of the long term results of their actions.
7. Let them make as many decisions as possible. Learning by experience is the best way for someone to learn if those choices will not jeopardize their physical or spiritual well-being.  As my wife says, “Let children learn to make choices.  Mismatched clothes at age two or three is okay.”  As they become older, they are able to make complex decisions with parents establishing the boundaries, for example, “You can wear whatever you want, as long as it is not offensive.”  “You can go out tonight, as long as you will be home by curfew and I know where you are going.”  “You can use the car as long as I approve of where you are taking it.”

Finally, parents must be mature enough to allow their children to pay the consequences of their actions.  Constantly saving the child from consequences is a great way to raise an irresponsible adult.  Being consistent in teaching correct principles and modeling honorable behavior is the best way to help our children to be people of good character.

Compromise is one of the fundamentals of civilized society.  It is also essential in every type of organization from the United Nations to the family.  In fact, compromise is necessary whenever there are two human beings who are attempting to accomplish anything together, especially a married couple.

It is unreasonable, and rather selfish, to think that we can always have things our way.  In fact, we should expect to make compromises throughout our lives.  The following are essential guidelines that will allow us to make proper compromises without surrendering what is precious to us.

1. Always compromise, unless it is a compromise of our values.

One of the most difficult issues in compromise is determining when we are about to cross the line of violating our core values.  As Mahatma Gandhi said, “All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender.”

In order avoid compromising our fundamental values, we must determine what our values are and be able to clearly define how those values apply to everyday life.  We must also have the strength to not surrender when those values are challenged.

2. Determine that the compromise will be beneficial to all concerned.

John F. Kennedy reminded us of the key process to keep government working in behalf of the country.  “Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.”

This same concept must apply in our businesses, our families and in our dealings with other nations.  We must abandon our selfishness and look for the “right answer.”

3. Readily compromise if the outcome isn’t all that important.

Examples from family life would be; what type of ice cream we buy, which family-friendly TV show to watch, how our children spend the discretionary money they have earned, if our daughters want to wear glitter on their face, etc. 

We control our kids physically when they are young and financially when they are older.  If we want our kids to grow up to be responsible adults, we need to give them opportunity to make their own decisions.  This will be a compromise.  Be assured that they will make a lot of bad choices, but we need to allow them to choose and fail, as long as the consequences are not serious. 

4. Realize that compromise typically produces two parties that are equally dissatisfied with the outcome.

Compromise is a key component in a successful marriage.  Anyone who thinks that their spouse should always do things their way is hallucinating, unless they purposely married a doormat. 

When couples compromise, at least they will know that they respect each other.  We can take comfort in the fact that a compromise is a small step forward in the direction of having things the way we want.  This concept equally applies to nations negotiating trade agreements.

5. Successful compromise is only possible when both parties have integrity.

A compromise struck with another party that does not have integrity is just the beginning of a larger conflict.  Lasting compromises only occur when each party knows that the other can be trusted. 

Jim Turley, former chairman and CEO of Ernst & Young, said “Any great leader I have ever met has an unshakable bedrock of integrity.  Everything else they do is built on that foundation.”

Finally, these words from Zig Ziglar are of utmost importance.  “Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now.”  Marriages, nations, careers and lives have been destroyed from making this type of compromise.

Physical appearance is very important to most adults and crucial to teenagers.   Most plastic surgeons depend on that fact.  We did our best to ensure that our children were well groomed and dressed.  We also paid for acne treatments and braces, when necessary.  It was important to us that our children had a positive self image, remembering that outward appearance is not the most important attribute.  Certainly, appearance is less important than integrity, modesty, righteousness, etc.   

How we dress and treat our bodies sends a message to those that see us.  It is basic advertising.  Whether we like it or not, we send messages by our dress, our words, our body language, etc.  We are, in essence, marketing ourselves by the choices we make.   

The following are the words of our oldest daughter.

“When I was in my first year of college I went with some friends to the mall and pierced my ear. I didn’t do the piercing in the lobe, but at the top of my ear. My Dad did not like this at all. He didn’t think that I should put holes in my body anywhere and that this hole would give people the wrong impression of me. He sent me a can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup in the mail. I didn’t know it was chicken noodle soup though because he had taken off the label and replaced it with one that had the symbol for poison on it and in big letters read “POISON.”

His lesson was included in a letter. If there is delicious, comforting, nutritious and wholesome chicken noodle soup inside the soup can how would anyone know if the label showed something different, like poison. It is the same with how I present myself. I have a wholesome and good spirit inside, but if my appearance says differently how would anyone know?  I let the hole in my ear close up and haven’t worn an earring there since.”

Most people enjoy beautiful things; however, some have a more refined sense of beauty than others.  They can appreciate good music, beautiful art, colorful flowers, the vast ocean, majestic Sequoia trees, etc.  The most refined can see beauty in people that are not physically beautiful.

It is important to not overemphasize physical beauty in our children.  It creates a distorted sense of self-image at best and can be devastating at worst.  Because of the society that we live in, we need to be especially careful with our daughters.  It is equally important that we teach our daughters that beauty is not sexual and that dressing and acting “sexy” is not being beautiful.

Nothing of worth can be accomplished without discipline.  Discipline is a necessary component of developing a good character.   Being disciplined does not come naturally because we usually want to do that which is the easiest or most fun.  It requires constant vigilance. 

I prefer the word “educating” to “disciplining” to describe what a parent does for a child.  I have found a loose/tight disciplining philosophy to be the most effective.  This means that there are times when we show flexibility, but we remain rigid when it comes to issues of consequence.  For example, a child might ignore a job that was assigned to her and we would give her another chance to complete the task without punishment.  However, if the child lies to us, there would be serious consequences.

This might be more important to me because we chose to have a large family, but I adopted a “swift justice” approach to discipline.  There isn’t time to try to reason with a 3 year old about whether he should wear his shoes when the family is trying to get somewhere on time.  There will be time for philosophical discussions of agency when he gets a little older.

We chose to bring children into this world.  We loved them and wanted them to be able to develop their own unique personalities, but I would not consciously allow my children to be an affliction to others.  For example, if they misbehaved in church, I would put them under my arm and immediately take them out of the meeting, often with my other hand over their mouth (but not their nose), so no would have to listen to them scream.  They were put on a chair outside of the chapel and told that they would sit there until they could “act decent.”

Corporal punishment at one time was one of the essentials of child rearing.  Now, it is considered by many to be a form a child abuse.  Maybe this is the reason for the increasing numbers of youth that are disrespectful and undisciplined.  No one should harm their child, but spanking does help children understand the seriousness of the situation.  Of course, there is no justification for spanking a baby and spanking becomes counter-productive as the child grows older.  My experience is that spanking before age 2 and after age 8 is rarely beneficial.  Sue always used the rule, “Never give more swats on the bottom than the age of the child.”

One of the methods of disciplining that seems to be popular now is counting to three before the parent acts.  The result seems to be that the child does not change his behavior until the parent has finished counting to two.  Nothing more.

Another faulty parenting technique is to give exaggerated ultimatums – “If you do that, you’re not going to live to see ten.”  Funny…but really?  Both the parents and the kids know that the threats are completely meaningless.  This teaches the kids that our words are nothing more than inconsequential blather.  There is a better way.  Either don’t give the kids an ultimatum or give an ultimatum and actually follow through.  (Not the one cited above, though.)

I don’t why I thought that I could create “a little bit of heaven on earth” by yelling, but that is how I tried to accomplish it.  I was more of a drill sergeant than a negotiator.  I don’t know how to organize a large family without yelling.  My wife is much mellower than I am but she would yell at the kids if they ignored her enough times, or at the wrong time.

I know that yelling is not the best way to communicate with children, but I don’t know how to eliminate it.  My best advice would be to try to keep it to a minimum.

Parents must be willing to accept the role of teacher and disciplinarian and not servant.  It is usually easier to do a job oneself than to teach a child what to do and make sure they do it correctly.  However, we are in the business of raising well-disciplined children instead of doing their jobs for them in order to avoid conflict.

Disciplined parents are essential in rearing responsible and disciplined children.  Model the behavior you expect, mean what you say, act instead of react and never give up.  And most importantly, always show them how much you love them.

There is no title that I cherish more than “DAD.”  Being a father to our nine children has been one of the greatest joys of my life.  My wife and my children are my treasure.  I loved my own father and I am sorry that he did not live long enough to give me more of his experience, and to get to know my children.

The role of a father in raising children to be good people and solid citizens cannot be overemphasized.  Crime statistics and successful individuals both attest to this truth.  My wife Sue says, “My observation of those I know is that when the father is a leader and strong influence in the home, the children do better and have fewer problems.”

I believe that the titles of Mother and Father are sacred.  Consider how our God instructs us to address him, “Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.”  The role of a father is too important to trivialize it by treating one’s father as just another one of the guys.

I am very honored by the following poem written by our son, Landon Allred.

With unsure steps I walk this path,
And see the steps of one
Who’s felt before these tests of faith,
And, with faith, overcome.

Though not as yet to glory’s rest,
With trials yet to bear.
He struggles still, he falls and yet,
Is strengthened by the wear.

So anxiously I watch his steps.
God gave him as my guide.
And one day, at Christ’s throne I’ll stand,
My father at my side.

On September 11, 2001, when terrorists killed almost 3,000 innocent people and caused over $50 billion of property damage, my wife and I were on a business trip to Washington DC.  When the plane crashed into the Pentagon building, we were in our hotel, about 2 miles away. 

My meetings were cancelled but we couldn’t get a return flight to the West Coast because all planes were grounded for the next 6 days.  We watched the terrible replays on TV of the planes hitting the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, and saw people jump to their deaths.  We watched the broadcast of the touching memorial service at the National Cathedral. 

It was very eerie to wander the deserted city of Washington DC and see armed soldiers with Humvees at all the major intersections.   The nation was grieving, somber and unsure of the future.  People did not know where to turn for peace.  If you are old enough, you remember the feeling.

So it is when we face the death of someone who is dear to us.  We grieve, we are somber, we are unsure of the future of loved ones and we yearn for peace.

As a parent, I want my children and grandchildren to understand what I consider to be of utmost importance when they have to deal with my death or the death of anyone else that is dear to them.

These are the 5 things I consider to be the most important facts about death:

1. When Peter rushed to the Garden Tomb after the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, he discovered something very important…it was empty. It was empty because Jesus Christ had resurrected; the first person on this earth to do so.  More importantly, we all will resurrect because of Christ.  Death is a just a temporary separation from our family and friends.

2. Neal A. Maxwell was the former Executive Vice-President of the University of Utah and died of leukemia. He said this, “Death is a mere comma, not an exclamation point!”  Since death is something that not even the most powerful and intelligent people on earth can control or adequately explain, death takes on a very sinister and mysterious aura.  With greater understanding that life is eternal, we realize that death is just a door to another, better life.  Death is not the most important event in our existence.  It is inconsequential compared to how we lived our life.

3. There is no doubt that death brings sorrow and pain for those who are left. Russell M Nelson (Former director of the American Board of Thoracic Surgery and one of a team of doctors which created the first heart-lung machine) explains that, “The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”  If we look at the death of a loved one from this aspect, we mourn because we loved; and love is the most important thing of all.

4. It is our solemn obligation to show our support for those who are left to mourn. Of course, we weep for the loss of them that die, we mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  We follow the example of Christ when he asked John to care for his mother, Mary, as he was being crucified.  We must care for those who are unable to care for themselves upon the death of their support.

5. When faced with death, there is no comfort without a belief in a benevolent creator. The separation is complete and permanent if there is no God.  The song, “Where Can I Turn For Peace, by Emma Lou Thayne, explains the truth so well.  These are a few very meaningful stanzas:

Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

Only in Jesus Christ can we find “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.” (Phil 4:7)  I also know from my own personal experience, as I was at death’s door, that God visits his people in their afflictions.

In conclusion, I end with my favorite poem on the subject:

I am grateful for my understanding of the Lord’s plan of salvation, which is a plan of happiness.  Death is not a mysterious monster.  It is the doorway to greater happiness.  It gives me peace that, in the end, all will be right and I can enjoy the company of my family and friends for eternity – all because of Jesus Christ.